The Early Years of Marriage

Every Wednesday, Sheila Wray Gregoire (author and speaker at marriage conferences), writes about marriage (Wifey Wednesdays) on her blog To Love, Honor and Vacuum. I thought I'd join in on the discussion today on "What It Means to Become One" - the idea being that yes "two shall become one" when they marry... but you don't always "feel" as ONE instantaneously. So, what does it mean to become one?

Last weekend, driving to a family wedding, I was telling my husband J.D. how exciting and scary a wedding day can be! So much time, money and preparation spent on the one day, with the hopes that we'll be the ones to overcome the odds and have a marriage that lasts forever. Scary stuff that will make anyone nervous! The wedding was beautiful, and the poor groom fainted during the vows. There was never any question that he deeply loves his bride as they've always made a dynamo team. But it did confirm my thoughts not even 1 hour before... marriage is a scary thing in our society at the outset regardless of who you are!

When J.D. and I were first married, I quickly realized that we communicated VERY differently. I lay it all out there... I speak before I think... rather, I speak to figure out what I'm thinking... I don't hold anything back... whereas he would speak up when he felt he had it all figured out - which was not often enough to my liking. It used to infuriate me that he could be so open with others, but had a hard time with me for some reason... it drove me nuts that he wouldn't let me in on the "process" as he was working through whatever it was... oh and the insecurities and questions that crept in on my end...

I think the best "you-really-don't-get-me" moment took place in our first year of marriage. I was a first year teacher, we were living in a remote community away from friends and family. One day as I was just overwhelmed by everything, I broke down in tears. All I wanted in that moment was for him to hold me... But instead he was getting more and more frustrated with me because I couldn't tell him exactly WHY I was crying...

"I took psychology, Melanie, I know there has to be a reason!" he insisted!!!

Okay, so he may not have taken the psychology of women! (my poor husband, he's heard me tell that story more than once...) I can tell it now, and we laugh, because we've come such a long way in our 9 years of marriage! He's learned to let me cry when the occasion arises even if he doesn't get it... and he doesn't hold everything back until he has it all figured out... I'm now part of the process... he knows he can throw ideas out there and I'm not going to hold him to them, or freak out if he changes his mind... he knows that he can trust me to let him think through whatever issue, share as he pleases, and work it out.

Though various factors have no doubt contributed to his sharing more freely with me, an important factor has been that I've been learning to become a better LISTENER. Not one of my strong points. I love that he feels he can share his crazy ideas, fears and dreams with me now, and I do my best to not overreact off the top and to listen... still a work in progress!

I don't think you ever master the communication thing... but I truly think that as we learn to prioritize spending time together so that we can keep listening to each other to get to know what the other is thinking and feeling on a daily basis, that's how we begin to feel more as ONE strong team who can tackle the ins and outs of life together.

Last March/April, we did a 3 week series on marriage at our church called 4 Keeps. It was awesome and looked at how we communicate, solve problems, and ALL kinds of other things... ;) Definitely worth a listen!