Discovery

I remember when I was pregnant with my 2nd, working in the church nursery with these babies who seemingly did NOTHING. The thought of starting all over after having grown accustomed to my mobile, verbal and more independent 2-year old momentarily freaked me out to be honest.

But then the new babe came and she captured us right away. I had already forgotten how amazing it was to watch our first discover so many simple pleasures in life on a daily basis as so much changes in that first year!

And now I find myself there for a 3rd time... enjoying witnessing my now 10-month-old discover the world for the first time... and the cool thing is that her two older sisters are loving watching her discover, learn and grow as well...

... the fun of splashing in the bath (oh and I mean SPLASHING)... the sheer joy as she figures out how to clap her hands for the first time... the prideful smile as she pulls herself up to standing and slaps the table to rejoice... the satisfaction of having successfully picked up a Cheerio and actually getting it to her mouth... the exhilaration of being pushed on the swings with the wind in her hair... and the discovery that stairs are meant to be climbed...



Who knew that discovering the simple things in life could be so exciting each and every time. Makes us smile on a daily basis with every giggle and new discovery.

The Early Years of Marriage

Every Wednesday, Sheila Wray Gregoire (author and speaker at marriage conferences), writes about marriage (Wifey Wednesdays) on her blog To Love, Honor and Vacuum. I thought I'd join in on the discussion today on "What It Means to Become One" - the idea being that yes "two shall become one" when they marry... but you don't always "feel" as ONE instantaneously. So, what does it mean to become one?

Last weekend, driving to a family wedding, I was telling my husband J.D. how exciting and scary a wedding day can be! So much time, money and preparation spent on the one day, with the hopes that we'll be the ones to overcome the odds and have a marriage that lasts forever. Scary stuff that will make anyone nervous! The wedding was beautiful, and the poor groom fainted during the vows. There was never any question that he deeply loves his bride as they've always made a dynamo team. But it did confirm my thoughts not even 1 hour before... marriage is a scary thing in our society at the outset regardless of who you are!

When J.D. and I were first married, I quickly realized that we communicated VERY differently. I lay it all out there... I speak before I think... rather, I speak to figure out what I'm thinking... I don't hold anything back... whereas he would speak up when he felt he had it all figured out - which was not often enough to my liking. It used to infuriate me that he could be so open with others, but had a hard time with me for some reason... it drove me nuts that he wouldn't let me in on the "process" as he was working through whatever it was... oh and the insecurities and questions that crept in on my end...

I think the best "you-really-don't-get-me" moment took place in our first year of marriage. I was a first year teacher, we were living in a remote community away from friends and family. One day as I was just overwhelmed by everything, I broke down in tears. All I wanted in that moment was for him to hold me... But instead he was getting more and more frustrated with me because I couldn't tell him exactly WHY I was crying...

"I took psychology, Melanie, I know there has to be a reason!" he insisted!!!

Okay, so he may not have taken the psychology of women! (my poor husband, he's heard me tell that story more than once...) I can tell it now, and we laugh, because we've come such a long way in our 9 years of marriage! He's learned to let me cry when the occasion arises even if he doesn't get it... and he doesn't hold everything back until he has it all figured out... I'm now part of the process... he knows he can throw ideas out there and I'm not going to hold him to them, or freak out if he changes his mind... he knows that he can trust me to let him think through whatever issue, share as he pleases, and work it out.

Though various factors have no doubt contributed to his sharing more freely with me, an important factor has been that I've been learning to become a better LISTENER. Not one of my strong points. I love that he feels he can share his crazy ideas, fears and dreams with me now, and I do my best to not overreact off the top and to listen... still a work in progress!

I don't think you ever master the communication thing... but I truly think that as we learn to prioritize spending time together so that we can keep listening to each other to get to know what the other is thinking and feeling on a daily basis, that's how we begin to feel more as ONE strong team who can tackle the ins and outs of life together.

Last March/April, we did a 3 week series on marriage at our church called 4 Keeps. It was awesome and looked at how we communicate, solve problems, and ALL kinds of other things... ;) Definitely worth a listen!

Mamma Mia!

The past number of months, I've had a 3 and 6 year old who will break into song out of the blue with various Mamma Mia! tunes at the top of their lungs (doesn't matter where we are either... for the 3 year old anyway!)

They were introduced to ABBA by their aunt, cousin and grandmother and have been singing the songs non-stop ever since! It's been an experience for daddy! It's a good thing I like to sing and dance along! I think I would have put off their discovery of Mamma Mia! until they were a bit older though... some of the lyrics are rather ahead of their time!

"Mom, what does: 'Give me, Give me, Give me a man after midnight' mean?"

Oh boy...

On the one hand, I've had to repeatedly remind my nearly 4-year old that even if they slide down the banister and jump on the bed in Mamma Mia!, it doesn't mean that it's okay!... And on the other, my 6 year old inquisitive daughter has been dissecting the lyrics to the songs with her incredible memory, asking me about this line, and that... The movie and songs have actually sparked some great conversations with her which has been great. She's had so many questions, such as...

"Sophie is 20! She's not old enough to get married, is she?... Is she old enough to babysit?"

Then came this question:

"Mom, what does 'Don't go wasting your emotions... lay all your love on me' mean?"

I don't tend to over-spiritualize everything with my kids, but as I stopped to think about it, this is the only response that really made sense to me (though she gets that it's not really what they meant in the movie - but this is what makes more sense)...

"That's exactly what God wants us to do! He wants us to stop wasting our emotions on things like worry and fear, and instead to lay all our love on Him! When we love Him first and remember how much He loves us, then we can stop wasting our emotions on some of those other things that drain us for nothing..."

God speaking through an ABBA song? Who knew. It does jive with so many verses in the Bible though...

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Are you "wasting" your emotions? It's so easy to get wrapped up in our daily troubles and allow them to consume us... God's there calling us to lift our eyes from our "stuff" that so entangles us, and to look to Him for peace...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I love how our pastor put it in his sermon entitled "Worry-Less Living" in April... He called it "The Phil 4-6 Principle": Worry about NOTHING, Pray about EVERYTHING.

So easily said... I just need to remember it when it matters!

(As posted on the Deeper Moments blog)

A better mom outdoors?

Yesterday, the notion came to me that I seem to be a better mom when I'm outdoors. It feels that way these days anyway...

It's so easy to get cooped up in the house in the winter with the cold and blowing snow... Now that the sun and warmth are here, I'm finding myself making a point of getting outside with the kids more.

Bike rides around the block, playtime at the park, taking the younger two for a stroll in the double running stroller as I go for a run, playing on our swing set or hopping the fence to sit with my neighbour in the back as our kids play together (we've been doing that a lot the past couple of weeks - it's been great spontaneous play dates!)

Why a better mom outdoors? Because when I'm out of the house, other than the odd weed needing to be pulled, there are fewer distractions... no dirty dishes, laundry or toys in the middle of the floor to deal with, no computer or phone calling my name... Just me and the kids, the birds, the squirrels and the odd bunny rabbit. We're silly, we're active, we laugh, we stop to notice things in nature... No one tugging on my arm trying to take me away from whatever task is causing me to only half listen to their pleas...

I always feel good about the days spent outside... and I usually don't feel so great when the distractions in the house leave me feeling like I've neglected the kids at the end of the day.

Outdoors I relax. I enjoy the kids and the sunshine. I feel alive.

Today is a bit of both... bed sheets and bathrooms needing to be cleaned before the long weekend, a few things to wrap up on the computer... but I won't miss out on heading outdoors when the baby wakes up. It's too beautiful out! If only I could forget the responsibilities that await me indoors altogether!

Have you been getting outdoors?

I did it!

I finally managed to lace up my running shoes and head for my first run in... dare I say 2 years!? I can't remember if I've had any runs in there, but it was two springs ago since I was last running on a regular basis...

And it felt GREAT!

Since the snow has melted and the warmer weather has hit I've just been dying to get out for a run again!! Without fail, the spring always calls me to lace up my running shoes!

I was all showered and dressed as we went to catch the school bus for my oldest (I'm often half in my PJ's, throw on pants and a jacket and out the door I run!).

But not today. No today, I even had time to blow dry my hair before we left the house. But still, the sunshine and the cool spring breeze were just calling me... today was the day... I had to run! Even if it meant having to shower again later...

So off I went to quickly change my clothes and tie back my hair... I was pushing over 50 pounds worth of kids in my double running stroller, loving every bit of it... and my old ab injury didn't even show it's face... thanks to my Pilates classes I'm sure!

Backtracking a bit... The funny thing is that I was supposed to go for a run with my friend and neighbour last week, but had to cancel last minute because one of the kids had the flu. Saved by the puke, I guess!

To be honest, I was nervous about going for my first run with someone I'd never run with before! Will she be fast? Does she talk when she runs? Will I be able to keep up? Will my old ab injury flare up again as it usually does when I first start running after having a baby?

I really like to work my way back into running by myself. I like to know how my body is feeling and take it at my own pace, always fearing that I'll re-injure myself. Today I put those fears to rest. I was able to jump right back in and bounced back better then after past pregnancies. What a relief!

Sure I felt slow and I know I have a ways to go before I start adding interval sprint work in my runs... but it was an awesome start! And as a bonus, my arms even got a workout from pushing that running stroller! You see, you have to pull down on the stroller to turn corners as the front wheel doesn't swivel (better for running... but not for sharp corners!) It sure adds a great workout for the arms when you've got a 3 1/2 year old and a 10 month old in toe let me tell you!

I don't know the last time I ran without a stroller... so that will be a light and freeing change I think when I do manage to sneak away for a run with my neighbour!

It sure is different to run with a kid who is old enough to talk though... Oh the QUESTIONS! "Run mom!" as I was barely out of the driveway... "Where are we going mom?"... "Why are you running mom?"... "Where are we mom?"... "Why are you saying Hi! Hi! Hi! mom?"...

Hmmmmm... Poses an interesting question: Should I be ignoring friendly trail goers as they walk their dogs to teach my child not to talk to strangers?? So I manage to respond through my heavy breathing:

"Mommy can say hello to strangers... but not you kids..." Yikes! I was just in a great mood, so happy to be running again, greeting people as they greeted me felt natural in my state of mind!

So there it is. I just jumped the biggest hurdle. Went for that first run. Phew! Felt awesome, I can't believe it's been so long, and now I can't wait for my next run! I wonder how my body will feel in the morning?

"Mom, come play with me!"

I struggle. I struggle to sit and play pretend with my kids. Whether it's playing house, or "My Little Pet Shops" or Barbie-type dolls... I really struggle.

My 6 year-old daughter called me on it this morning.

"Mom," she said, "I don't want to go to school today. I just want to play with you! When you play with us, you always leave during the game!"

Busted.

Yesterday I braided the little pony's hair for a while but got called away by the beeping washing machine to put the load in the dryer... It never fails... when I actually do manage to sit and play "pretend" games, I so easily get distracted by the work I see all around me... the piles of laundry waiting to be folded, the kitchen needing to be cleaned, the garbage or green bin bursting at the seams and needing to be put out, or the dinner requiring preparation... or realizing that the baby will be up soon from her nap so I don't have much time left to get "stuff" done! I truly don't mean to wander, but I unintentionally do it all the time!

Am I so task oriented and bent on efficiency that I have absolutely no imagination cells left in my brain? My sleep deprived state doesn't help I'm sure... I've never gone 10 months with only 3-4 full nights of sleep the entire time (it might actually be less then that! I sure didn't experience that with the first 2!).

I also find it so easy once Julia is home from school to rationalize taking advantage of the girls entertaining one another so that I can finally get some work done in the house or on the computer! They can play together content for quite some time, playing school or mommy or some other imaginative game... but in they end... they still want mommy... and I, mid-thought... mid-task... get frustrated needing "just one more (never ending) minute" to finish this "one" thing!

Don't get me wrong, I love to stop and spend quality time with my girls, but I prefer things like baking, making puzzles or working in activity books together, or going for bike rides and walks in the park where we can "explore" nature (an all time favourite for my girls!), or blasting the tunes and having a silly dance party in the kitchen before dinner (usually when daddy's not around!)

So many things to do in the day... and the years are flying by so FAST! I pray that I can learn to stop and play more. I think the solution is that, in addition to our regular bed time stories, cuddles and chats which I love (most nights, lets be honest), here it is:

I need to be more intentional about carving out time on a regular basis for activities we ALL enjoy.

That way, they might not feel so neglected when I struggle to bring myself to play pretend. It's not going to get any easier as I head back to work again in the fall, with more work tugging me away... so I better get in the habit of routinely carving out that time for them, one-on-one and together, NOW.

This morning I promised Julia that I'd have dinner ready ahead of time, so that when she got home from school we could go to the park, or play with sidewalk chalk or in the backyard together - her choice - no distractions. I kept my end of the deal and prepared a casserole while getting lunch ready. In the end, we had an awesome time at the park (which rarely happens on rushed school days with her bus not dropping her off until 4:30). The baby enjoyed the swings and the sand, the other two loved the swings and climbing around... the sun was shining, the sky was blue... it made both her day and mine.

I love my girls.

Why do I find it so hard to stop to enjoy more these moments?

More frequent planning ahead and carving time out for activities we all enjoy... Got it. Now I just need to remember that!

Marriage, Romance and Kids

At work, the girls in my department aren't really the "family" types. They're married or dating, no kids, and they give themselves to their work (and did I mention shopping and hair salons?) I do love those gals! Those of us who are a bit more family oriented, though, do feel outnumbered and we seem to enlighten them about family life now and then!

One day, I remember a discussion where one of my friends and colleagues (the mom of a toddler), was jokingly talking about the fact that once the kids come around, you don't really have much time for your spouse anymore... the romance is pretty much shot and it's more about the bills, the kids and chores... "Right?" she says looking over at me actually quite serious about it all...

"Well, actually..." I begin... let's just say that I can see how it's easy to fall into that, but I challenged her on the fact that it doesn't have to be that way! Marriage is something that needs work and commitment. Even if it seems impossible to fit in, JD and I need to take time out to connect with one another every day, whether it's when he comes in from school (or both of us from work soon enough!), or at night when the kids are in bed, enjoying a bit of TV together, just relaxing, catching up on our days...

Then we need date nights when we can get out and actually talk more over a quiet dinner, or it could even be just making a point of turning the television off one evening, or sitting out on the back deck together one sunny afternoon when the kids aren't around... It's basically "I'm prioritizing YOU" time with eachother... So necessary.

When we've gone too long without one of those times and I don't see a good time coming any time soon, I look forward to road trips (which come often enough as we visit family). When we're in the car, we're sitting next to each other for hours, so we can sit and chill, we don't even have to talk much, but it's nice to know that we can chat if we want to. And the kids are learning that they have to wait their turn when mom and dad are talking, an important lesson to learn!

I must admit, that earlier in our marriage, even before the kids, with us both busy with school and work, with computers and TVs on it seemed all the time, I worried that we would have nothing to say to each other if we were sitting across from each other at a table with no distractions... just him and I... no one or nothing else... I feared silence... Now after 9 years of marriage, it's awesome to know that I have no need to fear that. We can share stories about the kids, what's going on at work or school, and better yet, our fears, dreams, make plans about the future, the house, the kids... it's sweet. And we make time for the romance too. You've got to!

I think the greatest gift we can give our kids is the security of them knowing that their parents have a solid marriage and that we truly love each other deeply.

I just read a post on a blog recently that I can very much relate to, and I know that many with busy children will as well... it so beautifully and comically captures a snapshot of this struggle we have to communicate with our spouses when life gets busy. Take a second to read "What I Didn't Say".